Surviving Suicide

It was July 3rd, 1995 when the phone broke the early morning silence. My son was dead. A self-inflicted bullet pierced his skull, his friends and family mourned, and his ashes were scattered to the universe.

I am not a religious woman. At the time of my son's suicide I owned a small Angel Emporium, a retail kitch-all shop that sold everything celestial. Statues, jewels, greeting cards, movies, books, music, wall hangings, angelic arts and crafts, and gossamer garbs galore lined the walls and shelves of that unique spiritual space.

The store attracted quite a following of loyal customers, each with a story to share. The airwaves were generally buzzing with stories of encounters, of miracles, of synchronistic happenings and kizmet. We talked of the latest new- aged book, about life after death, about children's past lives, or of mediums and psychics.

When my son died, all these metaphysical conversations took on a deeper level of interest. Is there life after death? And if so, is there life after death in the case of suicide? The social mores of America (my frame of reference as that is where I live purely as a result of the chance of birth) generally say that if one takes their own life they must forever be charged to hell.

Is there a hell? Is "hell" not what one is attempting to escape when one puts a gun to one's head?

For several months I pondered the implications. Death, and suicide in particular have a way of opening up one's psyche to dig for more answers. And with every answer comes another question, or group of questions. Not to be included in groups of sheep, I tenaciously fought to find answers and at the same time, to stay alive. Afterall, if my son was eternally sent to hell for his act, and if I ever wanted to see him again, wouldn't it necessitate that I too commit suicide to be with him?

In a sort of maternal Romeo and Julliet drama, I asked the questions, and read the books, and spoke with the masses. At every turn, I sought to end the long line of questions with viable answers. I studied multiple religious beliefs, and took a long hard look at my own narrow perspective of theology. Again, simply based on a chance of birth, I was ensconced in various descriptions of Christianity. And not all of those preaching were of the same mind.

I ventured outside of my social circle. I studied Buddhism, Hinduism, a soup of alleged Christian religions, Muslim, Kabbala, Wiccan, Bahai faiths, and took a long hard look at Krishna. I hung out with the Yogis, and listened to tapes by the gurus. All in all, I was able to melt many of the philosophies, and to my surprise, I found many threads of commonality.

And then, I began to write.

And write....

And the more I wrote, the more I learned, and the more I learned, the more the Universe opened up to show it's secrets. And the result was a book about suffering and survival and the blessings that resulted. Blessings InThe Mire: A True Story of Miracles & Recollections is now available wherever good books are sold, including online at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and direct from publisher at: http://www.bbotw.com/product.aspx?ISBN=0-7414-3850-X

And when I finished writing, I lived to see another day.

I chose life.

And still, I choose life. Only now, that emotion, and the quest for answers is spent on saving others' lives. I've started a non-profit for suicide prevention and awareness that may prevent others from having to experience the darkness of surviving the suicide of a loved-one. Using the arts as the canvass for survival, during the summer months we sponsor an art contest for youth between the ages of 10-20. The theme is LIFE. Budding young artists express their opinions of Life As They See It. Painting, drawing, writing short story or poetry, and photography are all acceptable forms of expression. NO CREATIVITY IS TURNED AWAY!

I still read, with sadness, when a young person chooses suicide. Stories of Kurt Cobain's demise, Heath Ledger's premature death, and Owen Wilson's near-death experience cloud my emotions and leave me wrestle with the big "what ifs" of life. What if someone had been there to save these lives? Kurt Cobain undoubtedly had much more music in his soul, and Heath Ledger is an example of a fabulous talent. Owen Wilson has the potential to go on to lead a happily productive successful life that others only dream of.

The questions surrounding issues of life and death and in-between are still here, but somehow, there are many more answers stirring deep within my mending heart. A soothing calm has replaced the irrepressible urge to seek the truth. I now know MY truth. As you know yours in your heart.

Be blessed, know you are blessed, whatever the circumstances.